I've been out of comission due to illness...but yay for tonsillectomys!  And yay for drugs!!!  Er, the legal ones that dim pain and in no way are associated with ones that involve snorting or shooting...I must say though - having a tonsillectomy at 30 SUCKS and is uber painful, despite painkillers.  Really they should call them paindimmers, or, painlesseners or pillsthatwillmakeitnothurtsobadbutyouwillstillfeellikepunchingyourselfinthefacefromthepain -  b/c nothing killed the throat pain - that is fo shure!  I have so many stories but am so tired....must...blog...later...

 

The other day I was at church and we were all praying - all of the sudden it was like I was floating in the air near the ceiling and I was looking down at myself - all in black and kneeling with my head bowed in prayer.  And I saw an amazingly intensely powerful beam of white-hot lightening and swirling wind come down from the ceiling and consume me.  It dwelt on me until I disintegrated into ashes which were suspended in this white fire/whirlwind thingy which inside was moving so slowly - like there was no time.  Then I was back to myself and God showed me it was a cleansing.  Because for so many years I grieved and was numb for my stolen innocence and purity.  And that my problem was that I was deceived and was looking for those things within myself.  That all these years I've not understood that they ARE Spirit and were never found in me, they have always been FOUNDED in God.  I felt like I didn't fully understand the vision - especially the ashes part b/c I knew that God wouldn't destroy me (these were the actual words I thought)- but I knew God would eventually reveal it to me.  I hope this makes sense, it is kind of a hard concept for me to put words to.  I then went up for prayer and the woman said, "I see ashes everywhere.  And God does not destroy."  God gave me the meaning of the ashes that I saw and it was that they were the deception and shackles which were the belief that those virtues (innocence/purity) were mine to begin with, and they (the ashes) were suspended in God because His Spirit is where they (innocence/purity) reside, where they are found.  And that He hadn't destroyed ME.  Just the false picture of who I was, the deception of what I thought I contained.

Awhile ago, God led me to First Corinthians Thirteen and started revealing to me things about Love.  How it never says that Love gets hard and jaded and stops loving because of hurt and pain.  It says that Love bears all things, hopes all things, believes all things, and endures all things.  There is no closing the door of Love - thus no closing of the door on the people in our lives -.  He deepened that revelation with the innocence revelation.  And what I noticed, (what feels like for the first time), is that since God and Love are the same, it is NOT ME that loves, hopes, and endures ALL things - but literally the endless, eternal, infinate supply of God's Spirit that does it.  And that Jesus hurt.  He felt pain and sadness and loss and grief but was always able to stay open and non-numb BECAUSE of God's Spirit.  He was able to not only keep giving out, but also to feel just as much love and innocence and passion in the midst of his pain as though he had never been hurt, even while hurting,  because those things, innocence and purity and hope and passion, are not virtues in us, but ARE God's Spirit. When God revealed these things to my heart and I felt it there, instead of seeing it in my head, it was/is pretty much like falling into a raging refreshing river where I could/can relax and just be carried along.  No straining, no trying.  Just existing, just being.  Like in Job (42:5-6), where he (Job) says to God, "I had heard of You but now I have seen You and I repent in dust and ashes." (repenting for being depressed about losing his children!, along with everything else - I cannot even imagine that-).  He repented because he SAW God.  He saw truth, beauty, eternity, light, innocence, creation, power, electricity, infiniteness, hope, purity, passion, life, heaven, the universe, all matter.  By seeing God everything else was put into perspective and I think at that point his spirit really opened up to God's, and when he received It, (God's Spirit), he was refreshed and recreated, in his spirit.  That is what I believe anyway.  And why I always try to remember to not dwell about things here on earth, but to just look to see God and by doing so, my own spirit will be refreshed and restored and I will be unfrozen in my own humanity and will be able to let God's Spirit into my own so that we merge and His Spirit will flow out of me into/onto others, His living water will be poured out of my cup, healing and refreshing and comforting; and then a cycle begins where they will do the same.  Obviously I am not there yet, but I believe that that is the secret to our humanity.  Seeing God, and by Him, seeing everything and everyone else.  I hope all that makes sense!

was busy. I got a lot of stuff done though. Including the joys of scrubbing the inside of my toilet with a toothbrush (I ran out of our clorox thingys) and scrubbing our baseboards. (which I'm pretty sure the former owners NEVER cleaned. it was gross people). I also tackled the indomitable pile of laundry that, like a faithful puppy, ever waits for attention. In order to scrub the afore-mentioned baseboards I had to put the kids in their room. BIG MISTAKE. In the brief time they were in there they emptied out every toy basket/drawer/anything that held anything INCLUDING the huge monster laundry bin of legos, had knocked over the one piece of furniture in there (a 3 drawer bin organizer which had been relieved of it's 3 bins and contents - they were strewn all around the room), stripped the sheets from the bed (wtheck?), even tore down their clothes from the hangers (snapping 3 hangers too). CARNAGE!!! This is why we don't have furniture in their rooms -seriously our pediatrician told us to take out the furniture after we discovered David on top of his dresser ready to jump off - both my boys will climb and jump of ANYTHING (hence my nervousness at the lighthouse). Plus they use whatever is around to build things to jump off of. Anyway obviously I was underjoyed at seeing the state of ridiculous carnage otherwise known as their room, and consequently made them clean up the entire thing by themselves before they toddled off outside to play with their friends - I did help them clean up a little but mostly just supervised, though of course I had to redo what they did later anyway - I also had to deal with a lot of ridiculous insurance stuff today and the annoyance of trying to find a filter online for a vacuum that isn't even sold anymore by Hoover - but you know what - my awesome aunt came by and not only fixed dinner, but cleaned it up too!!! Yay for Cawie!!! After dinner I got the kiddos all ready for bed (they are so cute in their jammies :) and as soon as Steve came home I hit the road for a little driving relaxation. Took myself down to Checkers where I ordered a perfectly mixed diet coke (bubbly fountain drinks are one of my favorite things) and drove to the marina in Sanford and stared at the water while talking to my mama on the phone :) Good times, good times. Then I got back home and realized I needed to pick up my prescription at Target - It was getting late and I was so tired I didn't even bother to change my clothes or put on makeup, or take my hair down - I just showed up and ran inside looking like a chubby redneck, and lo and behold, the pharmacy had already closed.

Doh!!!